Infinity is beyond the grasp of my imagination when I’m just trying to make it to tomorrow in one piece. Infinity is beyond me when I just want people to accept me. Infinity is beyond me when I’m reminiscing about the days when eight hours of sleep was even possible.

I’ll be chillingly honest here. I’m not as active in church or church activities as I used to be. When you’re not a leader, it’s easy to be a spectator. And that’s one thing that’s been utterly boring me about church. I loathe just sitting there.  I want to participate. I want to enjoy God and His people. But not in a fake, manufacture, conjured up way.

Since I’ve become a spectator, I feel alone in my spiritual wilderness. I left the “on fire for God” crowd and don’t have people around me to influence or pressure my beliefs. I imagine this is part of God’s process of washing away whatever tainted beliefs I had, helping me start over completely from scratch. You know how you grow up thinking certain things about God and church, only to realize these things are manmade, not God-made? Then you get mixed up and wonder what true and what’s not. I think what God is doing right now is separating me to shed some light on things.  Putting me in spectator status and taking off my leadership hat, so I can see things differently.

Not that there’s anything wrong with putting on the leadership hat. It’s been a tremendous blessing for me in the past, but I’m in a different stage of my spiritual journey. I hope I don’t sound too independent here either, since no spiritual journey should be “me”-centered.

I am also absolutely certain that God has things brewing behind the scenes, ready to surface soon. When I fast and pray every now and then, I feel one step closer to what He has in store. When I focus my prayers on others rather than on my mundane self-centered concerns, I feel one step closer. I want to serve Him with my heart, my thoughts, my actions. Not just my lips.

When you’ve been in church your whole life, it’s so easy to serve Him with your lips that sometimes you realize you weren’t even noticing the difference between lips and heart. So I’m here, trying to get rid of these lips. Trying to see what He wants me to see and walk into the road He’s paved.

I don’t want to get lost in my spectator status. But I do want to make the most of it with open eyes and ears to what God wants to reveal. To be continued…